The year’s end is all about reflection. The good, the bad and the ugly. I have to admit that 2016 wasn’t a good year. I’ve taken a lot of tiny steps though in order to understand that everything lies with me and that change needs to happen far more profoundly than I had originally thought.
2017 is going to be that year I will finally take the leap (a change too scary to let it out into the open yet; it’s going to stay close to me for another while until I am ready to share). That’s why the below quote resonates a lot with me. What is propelling you into 2017?
“Do you want to watch some telly?”
Do I want to watch some telly? Are you for real? No!!! I have been staring mindlessly into the telly from the time the baby went to bed 45 minutes ago. While you were at the computer, upstairs. I am knackered, I still have this bloody cough plus a headache and I know she’ll be up before 7 in the morning so if you don’t mind I will go to bed.
I didn’t say it that way though – that’s not me. Instead I just sarcastically said “no, I’ve been watching telly all evening. I am going to bed now.” So off I went feeling guilty because I couldn’t shake off the disappointed look in his eyes. I made my situation worse by also checking my calendar for the next day. The first call today was at 9am with Shanghai and Kuala Lumpur, the last will be at 8pm with Omaha and San Francisco. Most of the afternoon is back to back. That means I have to finish one meeting earlier in order to get home, feed Lily, put her into bed and hopefully be ready by 8pm to take the last call.
My friend Verena hit the nail on the head a couple of weeks ago boiling it down like this: I am 50% mother, 40% employee, 4% cleaner, 3% cook, 2% wife and 1% me.
As it stands I have no balance. I am spreading myself too thin into too many directions trying to be too many things at the same time. By now I have also realized that changing my hair didn’t get me very far. I have decided this morning I will need to change my attitude and my priorities otherwise I will develop health issues or run my relationship into the ground. I have started a daily list of things that will help me to accomplish change. I will take it one day at a time facing my fears and worries removing obstacles from my life. I have my first 10 days mapped out with a slot open for change on Wednesday, May 13.
Have you ever had that thing that you always wanted to do but were afraid people thought was silly? That thing that makes your heart grow oddly bigger when you think about it? For me THAT THING is the platinum blond pixie I saw years ago on another girl. She radiated confidence and just looked gorgeous. I asked a then hair stylist friend of mine if he was able to give me that look and he outright refused claiming my hair was too dark to ever go that light. That was that. I never seriously considered going blond after he told me it wasn’t possible.
Now, time goes on and strange things happen. I got a baby last year. And I turned 40. And I got really, really fat. And every time something bad happens in the world I cry. Call it mid-life crisis, call it menopause – I don’t know. All I know is that I am all of a sudden very afraid of the here and now and cry an awful lot. So I decided to cross one thing off my bucket list to make me feel better and finally went blond. You know what? It helped. I have learned that if you go blond you really put yourself out there. No hiding or blending in! People will look at you. The knock on effect is that you need to put more make up on, shape your eye brows and use lip stick – make it a lush color otherwise you look drab. You also need to overhaul your wardrobe because not everything goes with the new blond. Hence you need to go shopping. So here I am – still 40, still a mother and still fat but a bit more groomed with a slightly better outlook on life now I have decided to put myself out there.